Love and Fear

Episode 48

30 Days of You Challenge | Day Ten

I feel like I have talked about this subject a lot, haven’t I? Why is spirit trying to get me to post about it again? This whole 30 Days of You Challenge is becoming quite challenging because it forces me to find stuff to blog about, so I have to look for dust in the corners of my mind. When I am not engaged in any challenges, I would post whenever I would have an overwhelming sensation to express something, so I could spend weeks not posting anything because I just don’t feel like it. Can’t do that now, and since I am not one to back out from any challenges I ask spirit to inspire me with a topic to blog about. Sometimes I go “ugh, really? I wouldn’t do much of a good job posting about that today”, but once I get the ball rolling I surprise myself (case in point, the last blog post). Today, spirit wants me to address Love and Fear once again; more specifically expand on a point I had raised in the previous post “The Need For Significance”. Let’s see where this one takes us today. I need to find the right music to be able to better express myself though. Let see … I am surprised I never used Porcupine Tree in one of these before. Ok, In Absentia it is!

The other day, I was talking to one of my very close friends. He has recently met someone and somehow this person is exactly what he has been secretly wishing for the past few years. After a string of failed relationships and disappointments, he has become rather cynical of the whole process, and sees the whole idea of love and the heartache that often accompanies it to be rather pathetic. He would pick the girls that he was interested in by how they compliment his ego – not necessarily the girl who would often toot his horn, but girls that would challenge him and give him an ego boost when they find him interesting. He performed well in the dating game; that is getting as many dates as he can and ticking off the necessary requirements with his rendezvous with the opposite sex that all the men’s advice magazines address in dating. His pick up lines were getting more subtle and effective, none of the cheesy horrendous lines that you hear about, but much more sophisticated and ambiguous in the sense that you are not sure if he is actually hitting on you or not – newsflash, he so was. However, he somehow was never able to cross the 2nd or 3rd date mark. It wasn’t because the girls didn’t find him interesting or that he struck out in any way, he was rather pleasant with them. He has really taken the time over the past years to develop a film noir type of charm that he utilizes effectively. But something was missing, and the girls he took out felt it. He was fake. Very fake. Extremely fake. Even though the act was top notch, you could tell it was an act. Not because he was not the charming individual that he portrayed himself, this charm has become second nature to him, but it was because you could look him straight in the eye and see that he has held himself captive. Over the years, as he was struggling to find himself, many people made him feel that he was a terrible person. Many people made him feel like “himself” was not good enough, that he needed to develop a whole different personality and a whole different character. This took a deep toll on him, and somehow he made the connection that to be successful in life, he needs to hide himself deep inside. He did not realize that the self that others have complained about before was the lost soul that was struggling to make sense of the world and made many stupid mistakes along the way (which is ok), but that the true essence of his soul was beautiful and he needed to nurture it more so it can mature and not hide it deep within the closet. For this reason, he failed to make any sort of strong connection with most of the girls he would date … until very recently.

Now this girl recognized the little boy tucked away the moment she saw him. She could see it in his eyes. She could see his soul, and she instantly felt the bond. The more she got to know him the more she realized her first impressions of him were spot on. In a very short period of time (about a week to ten days), they have progressed faster than any other relationship that he has been in, and the funny thing that it seems rather natural to him. Nothing is forced, everything flowed perfectly and just manifested quicker than ever. I remember a few months ago he told me that it would be nice to meet someone that made his heart beat faster when he saw her, that exciting feeling we used to get when we were kids hanging out and holding hands with our crushes … he got his wish returned tenfold back. Being a human being, also known as big fucking idiot, his first response is intense fear! Paralyzing intense fear! The ‘what the hell is going on man, this doesn’t make sense man, I have only known her a week man, I am too strong to fall into this type of shit man, this can’t be happening man” type of fear. It is like this girl sees through all the bullshit façade he has forced himself to believe over the years and can see the true pure essence of his soul, something that he forgot he had in the first place. She sees things in him that he wants to believe that is in him, but somehow over the year has forgotten who he really was and now doesn’t believe that he is good enough. He is suffocating, he has stomachaches, he has chest pains, he hyperventilates, and his knees buckle when the panic attack ensues, all because he feels that this person truly is starting to fall for him.

If you look through popular psychology and the shit being spewed in our lifestyle magazines, they attempt to classify matters of the heart in many categories. They attempt to use their brain to understand the magical sensations of the matters of the heart, and often come to rather condescending conclusions. They will tell you that true love never occurs until years after the couple has gotten together, and that this sort of thing that happens in the beginning is all cute and all but just an illusion and people will die out of this sort of passion rather quickly. They claim that in order to really love someone, you need to really know them, and to really know them; you need to spend years with them and go through a myriad of experiences to get to know how they react in both joy and calamity. Yeah ok, makes sense, but I would argue that this is when the brain is finally convinced that they are loving and being loved in return, the heart works on a completely different level. The heart just knows, right then and there, that something magical can happen with the individual we are so excited and thrilled about, and that time is irrelevant. The heart knows that there is another dimension that exists in this universe where both partners are already together and have always been together, a dimension where times does not exist in linear form, but all happening all at once. Our hearts are the keys to this magical dimension; our hearts has all the information pertaining to who belongs in our soul family and who is a soul connection and who is just feeding into our ego; our hearts knows all that it needs to know about everything we face in our life, including the people we love, our true purpose in life, and all the obstacles and pitfalls that we must take in order to grow and evolve. Our hearts are impulsive, but they are impulsive for a reason – they are our access to the inner child within us that loves to roam around and bounce joyfully through the playground of life. Our brains are the ones that hold all the records, all the past pains and disappointments, and all the memories of everything that it believes went awfully wrong. So when the heart suddenly takes control and gets pulled towards someone or something at the speed of light, our brains suddenly are shocked that they are losing control and scramble to find a way to make sense of everything. The heart enjoys its time in the spotlight and soaks up all the love and magic while the brain is trying to get its shit back together. Once the brain feels like it has bitten more than it can chew, it tries to put on the brakes. It sends shockwaves allover your body to try to warn you to slow down. It starts to play devils advocate and replay all possible painful scenarios that could happen down the road if you are not careful, so you start becoming conscious on becoming careful and fucking everything up in the process. It can also start to play out all the scenarios if everything goes right, and you start to choke thinking about how you could afford your wedding that is going to definitely place next year if things go this fast. When all else fails, your brain will start to try to sabotage the relationship for you. It will ask you to pay close attention to all the signs that will make you feel that this is not real, that you are just saying stuff you do not mean in the heat of the moment, that whatever is happening between you defies logic. You start to tell yourself that you must have been going through a rough time in life and needed a fling to add some excitement in your life … yeah, this is what it must have been, just a fling, it couldn’t be anything other than that. You may relate this to your previous significant other and label the new partner as a rebound of some sort. You will do whatever you can to get yourself out of this tornado that came up here to engulf you, and you will feel very relieved that you are finally out of it. It wasn’t anything as special as you thought, it could not have been, and you only have known each other for a short period of time. If you got to know them more you would have been disappointed … or perhaps maybe once they get to know you more they won’t like what they see, you do not deserve this type of love … Best to run before the ship sinks and someone really gets hurt. Congratulations, you just fucked up a soul connection.

I was talking about all of this with my friend, who admitted to start panicking and getting all sorts of weird thoughts in his head because it is moving way too fast for him. He kept on saying that none of them is consciously trying to move fast, it is just happening and he has no control over it. Truth is, we really do not have any control over how fast or slow a relationship goes. Next time criticizes you for moving way too fast with someone, be sure that they know not what the hell they are talking about. When it is your partner who mentions it, then moving too fast is often one of two things, either code for “my mind still hasn’t processed what my heart believes” or “I don’t like you enough to take that step (and never will)” … you are most probably smart enough to be able to tell which one rings true (it is actually rather easy once you let go of all the self doubt and just listen). We started talking about it and realized that a good childhood friend of ours had recently bailed out on his soul connection because “he needed to figure himself out first”. Honestly, I have never seen this guy happier in my life. He shone so bright when he would talk about her … I can literally see light sparking from his eyes. I have never seen his talk about another human being this way, and he really was talking from the heart (something I had not seen him do in 15+ years). Now, I find out that he completely bailed on her, leaving her extremely heart broken because he “needs to figure stuff out”. She is left all alone in the cold, thinking about everything they both said to each other, trying to figure out what went wrong, and if there was something else she could have done. She will hear her idiot friends tell her that they had moved too fast, she gave too much, she should have waited till he proved himself, and all that crap, but they don’t know what its like (or worse, they do know what they like and decided to lock their hearts and live the rest of their lives being pulled by “logic”). Being pulled through life by what we consider to be logic is rather limiting I feel, it is like being dragged across the room in blindfolds. In an attempt to protect ourselves from pain, we numb our senses and lock out our hearts deep within our chests, and go on living life as machines. We distract ourselves with material pleasures, fake social pleasantries, and advanced small talk from the gaping emotional and spiritual void that needs our swift attention. We categorize and compartmentalize all the elements in our lives and have many hats / masks that we wear to suit the occasion. We berate anyone trying to break out of the norm and present him or her unique self and trash them as being a weirdo or awkward, while deep inside we share many traits with them that we dare not share with the rest of the world. We hide. We hide ourselves. We hide ourselves from the rest of the world, and we hide our true essence from ourselves. We would rather live a life our brains would tell us is safe and secure, that will provide material goods for us – money and peace of mind – instead of following our hearts to live life the fullest and become that we can be. Money and peace of mind, that’s all we want, or at least all that we think we want. We want to live a life of prosperity and always have enough abundance to be able to get whatever we need whenever we needed it. We want peace of mind in knowing that we are living a flat-lined life, with few ups and down but slow and steady, because we do not want to feel the intense pain that an intense love accompanies, we do not want to feel the lows in our the turbulent paths of the heart, we do not want to struggle … so we opt out to live a mediocre life that probably will not give us all the beauty we dream of, but it definitely will not provide us with any of the heartache as well. So we tuck it away. Hide it deep down. Force it down. Try to bury it. Try to kill it. Try whatever we can to convince ourselves that we are alive, that we are happy, that we are experiencing beauty, but just in our own way. But our hearts know better and try to protest, once, twice, three times, and a million times. We brush if off because it creates too much drama.

Our brains are in control here, so we pick a partner that we have a connection with. We pick a partner that we are attracted to and have lustful feelings towards, one that we can share an interesting conversation with that stimulate us intellectually, one that fits our lifestyle, and most importantly, one that we can hide from when we want to. We pick the almost perfect partner because when all else fails, we can walk away from it with little damage. I am not saying that the perfect partner is not out there, ooooooh they are, and here is a newsflash, many of you have probably already met them. If someone popped into your head while reading this, you know exactly what I am talking about. They are the ones that seemed too good to be true, well here is a bit of a boggle, they probably were true and you were just too scared to see it through. When we pick a partner based on ego and not on your heart, it takes a while to develop and mature, and these partnerships can either flourish into something meaningful and beautiful, or fail miserably and leave you disappointed and disenchanted (and you wonder why you are cynical). The partnership based on your ego is essentially a connection with someone who gives you an ego boost when you are around with, whether consciously or not. Someone who reminds you that someone out there finds your attractive and wants you. A partner ship based on your heart is essential a connection with someone who can see the real you, with you having to try anything. They just can see right through you, and you them. You understand each other very easily and effortlessly, and although it sounds like a fairytale made in heaven, it is not. What the fairytales fail to mention is that us human beings are ridden with insecurities, many of which we have tucked deep inside and do not want to face. When Mr or Ms Soul Connection appears and see right through you, it also means that can see all the little blackness that you keep tucked hidden away. They might not be able to articulate it well enough, but you feel exposed. A lot of the things you have hidden away from yourself start reappearing and you start resenting the partner from making this mess in your system. You spent all the years of your life trying to recreate and shape who you want to become escaping from who you really are, and here they just should up and mess up that pretty little façade that you created … well of course you are getting all these panic attacks, of course you are going to run, of course you are going to do whatever you can to push the person away. Problem is, years later (if you are not strong and courageous enough to truly face all the demons in your closet) you will look back and feel that someone robbed you of a life that you had wished to live. All your fantasies and all your dreams could have become a reality, if you only had the courage to believe in yourself. You then look back at Mr or Ms Soul Connection and realize that what they brought was not a merely a relationship but an opportunity to rise up and become all that you had wished to be as a young child gazing at the stars. You then look back at your inner child, looking at you with deep disappointment, asking you why did you not take the plunge, wondering what you did wrong so that he/she can do it differently when they grow up to become you.

Dear reader, next time you are faced with this type of love and realize that it is consuming you, don’t run. This time, try to stand, try to stay, try to have a little bit more faith in yourself, try to let it flow into you, try to let it be … maybe next time, you will get to experience a heaven on Earth. Maybe.


9 thoughts on “Love and Fear

  1. Reblogged this on The Mirror of My Soul – Stories of you, me and eternity and commented:
    When I first connected with Mahmoud – the author of this article – on Twitter, we instantly struck up a friendship based on mutual admiration and resonance of each other’s work and spiritual path. He was one of the first fellow bloggers to recognise my work on Mirror of My Soul and I have always equally admired him for his spiritual gifts and creative talents (of which writing is just one!).
    It has been my intention for the longest time to reblog his article on Love and Fear which I know will resonate with my readers. For me, it perfectly describes the twin flame dynamic and how the mind-heart divide leads to separation from our twin flame, or Mr or Ms Soul Connection, as he calls it. He tells it like it is from the “runner’s” perspective so perfectly – and echoes many of the truths I have found on my own journey and often blogged about.
    I hope you enjoy his soulful writing as much as I do.


  2. Jeezus. How the fuck did you know?

    That was really raw.

    But dude, don’t regret. Let that go. You didn’t fuck it up, its not over till it’s over. Make yourself a better person so that you can deserve her, and you feel you can deserve to love yourself. It’s not about her. It’s not about the other person. It’s about you. It’s all you. Tear everything down and start over.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sorry about the late reply – I have been hiding away from this blog for some time now, but I guess it’s time I stop hiding. Thank you for your comments Redzi 🙂 You are right, it is all about me and my development, and I must say, it has been one hell of a year!


  3. So what then…… What does the person, who loves and has told the person that he is loved, do? Is there any other choice that just accepting that the runner wants to run? I know he feels for me, yet he runs……but what choice do I have?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Jen … I feel you, trust me, I feel you. I never wanted to be in a position where I could understand and relate to your comment as much as I do, and I wish I was ignorant enough to the pain to be able to give you one of these generic comments that you find everywhere. So yeah, I feel your pain … I know this feeling of “so what? Ugh, blah, whatever” all too well.

      However, as annoying as this sounds, I do believe that we do have a choice. Him running is his choice, his actions, and his karma which he would have to deal with, and not yours. Whether you accept the fact that he ran and continues to run is not really a choice, as it will be force fed you regardless in time. The universe will make sure that not only you “accept” it, but you won’t allow you to escape it, and at times, it makes you feel that this universe chap is just one mean bully that is just out there to rub it in. Our choice is not about the acceptance as much as how we deal with it. We can choose to go down the bitterness path, where we hate and curse the moments we were introduce to this Twin Flame theory and so called spiritual journey, or choose to allow it to rebuild our inner core and structure and open us up to be more loving individuals.

      I was confronted with a question some time ago which asked me if I would still love if I was ensured that my twin would never return to me (not in this lifetime at least). Is my love for her predicated on the condition that she stops running and returns? That was a tough pill to swallow, as if I felt that a part of me died when I came to that realization. It is difficult, as bitterness is an easy and comfortable pool to jump in, but I guess the least we can do is allow them to become what I liked to call our “divine spark” … at least in the end, no matter what happens, we can see them as the souls that shook us to our core and opened up a whole new amazing spiritual world that we wouldn’t have known existed had they not crossed our paths.


      • Thanks for your comment. Makes a lot of sense…..been struggling a while now. Universe doesn’t let me forget. I’ve had other relationships and they’ve not been as difficult to forget….it seems like i can’t do what i usually do….box it up and stuff it in some part of my weary mind. I think the difficulty is trying to survive in this 3d world… do u reconcile wanting a family and kids ……but you’ve met someone who spiritually and soul’ly just feels like home who doesn’t wasnt to be with you. At the end of the day even if you are on a spiritual journey…’re missing out on what you wanted for your 3d life because you met your twin. I don’t know if i could be with anyone else. How can you recapture what you felt with your twin with anyone else. That to me feels like such a waste of our current life.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Jennifer. I am at a loss for words at the moment. I know your questions are rhetorical in a way, and you are not looking for any answers from me, but I can sense your heaviness in your energy and wish that I could have a few magical sentences that would make everything make sense.

    For the women it must be a lot harder than the men, because of your desires to have a family and kids. Its a hard choice to make, because your ego self has a lot of desires in what they call the 3D world, but your higher dimensional selves which are calling the shots are pushing you towards a different direction. I think the root of your heaviness is that you have not made peace with that yet (or so it seems to me), with the fact that you have very little (if any) control over the circumstances in your life. It is a tough lesson to learn, and the powers at be like to take away the one thing we wanted the most and teach us the lesson that way – which is rather cruel in a way. But when you finally cross the bridge to the end, you will see why you had to go through it, why it mattered, why the pain was necessary. As twins, we were created on earth for a certain mission or calling – which has very little to do with what we want for ourselves in 3D. Doesn’t mean we won’t get what we want, but just that it is sort of irrelevant with what our Soul wants for us.

    What is your passion Jennifer? What do you think is your soul purpose? Have you embarked on that journey yet? These aren’t questions that I am actually asking you, but the line of questions that I believe we must all ask ourselves. I read this post the other day about “soul purpose” that I think was very helpful in my journey – I hope it provides you with solace in yours:


    • Thanks for your reply and the link to the article. Its pretty much what I’ve been doing my entire life……encouraging people to find a job they’re passionate about. I was lucky enough to find my passion at a young age and am still pursuing it. Coming back to this twin flames thing…..most times it it feels like I’ve taken 1 step forward, 2 steps back. Thanks for taking the time to reply back despite all you’re going through. While reading through your posts, read that you live in Cairo? I’m visiting Cairo Christmas time this year……it would be good to catch up for a coffee, if you want to and are still there then. I’m not sure of the head space I’ll be in but it would be good to talk to someone who understands this. I didn’t even know about the concept of ‘twin flames’ before……so its been difficult trying to explain it to friends and even more difficult for them to understand. I’m glad I found your blog……thanks for the writing you do.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I know this is two and a half months later.I am very sorry, its just been a crazy time for me and I was avoiding this topic and this blog for a while. Please feel free to contact me on anytime you want. I hope you are still coming to Cairo and still interested in that coffee, I would love to meet up with you when you are here.


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